The Pebble Beach Pro-AM is why People Hate Golf

You’ll have to forgive me. I was never properly indoctrinated into the sacred game. I missed out on the early conditioning that would have taught me that proper golf decorum dictates that one simply does not call attention to its absurdity.

I arrived late…arguably very late to the party, and nobody gave me the rulebook, so let me give you a bit of an outsider’s perspective on this week’s tournament.

The AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-AM is a total shit show. It’s a farce.

In a time when nearly everybody is paying lip-service to the desperate need to grow, or at least evolve the game of golf, the AT&T Pro-AM offers old-world opulence with none of its charm. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet of absolutely everything that’s wrong with golf.

It’s a cartoon version of The Masters broadcast in crystal clear Ultra-HD.

It’s golf’s open arms receptions that says I want you…maybe, but definitely not here. The Pebble Beach Pro-Am is a four-day embodiment of absolutely every reason golf is stagnant, a four-day justification for why so many despise it.

Golf is expensive?

Pebble is only $495. Spyglass a relative bargain at $395, and for you common-folk just looking to knock the ball around, the Links at Spanish Bay is an infinitely affordable $270.

Pebble Beach is America’s #1 Semi-Public Golf Course. How fitting is it that the kid from Silver Spoons (no, not him. The other one) and the Fresh Price of Bel-Air (also the other one) is in the field?

Golf is Elitest?

You think $495 is expensive? Tell that to the field of celebrities, psudo-celebrities, and khaki-clad CEO-types who I’m told pay a $25K buy-in for the privilege of teeing it up. It’s not like it’s first come first serve either. It’s invite only, but well-worth dipping into company coffers for the opportunity to rub elbows with the likes of Kenny G and Larry the Cable Guy.

Git ‘er done, indeed. At least this smooth-jazz-rendering of fuck you to any semblance of inclusiveness is for charity.

Golf Takes Too Long. Golf Is Hard.

Lady (there must be at least one of you reading this), and gentlemen, I give you Chris Berman.

Do I actually need to write anything else?

I could argue that being subjected to 5.5 hours of Boomer rumblin’, bumblin’, and stumblin’ his way from one patch of rough to the ocean and back again is its own form of validation. Your swing is bad? There’s a worse one on TV this week.

But no matter how much Berman smiles between bad shots it doesn’t really look (or sound) like he’s having any fun. 4.5 hours is already too much for most of us.

Another hour? This guy? Still?

Did we need the post-round interview?

At least the sloth’s pace allows for nearly infinite opportunities to cut to the beach for tranquil images of dogs and birds prancing playfully in the surf. They probably don’t have those where you play.

Golf Is What It Is

Now I’m sure some of you are reading this and will (assuming you didn’t before making it this far), assume that the writer is just some bitter slob who doesn’t like rich people. I preempt your thought because it happens every time we discuss the financial realities of the game.

Uhh…I have rich friends…a couple of them actually.

More to the point, whether its earned or passed down from daddy, I believe we’re all free to spend whatever money we have in whatever manner we choose. I’ll concede that it’s even our basic right as Americans to rub what we have in the faces of those less fortunate. Play golf, sponsor a bum fight, buy a mini giraffe, seriously, I don’t care.

My issue isn’t with the money, it’s with the hypocrisy. Let’s either dispense with the horseshit charade of inclusiveness, or stop televising images of elites making it rain.

Golf can’t have it both ways.

Your Unpleasant Reality Check

Everybody reading this knows that golf isn’t for everyone. It’s expensive (sometimes really expensive). You need a good amount of free time to play, and frankly you don’t have to play for very long before you encounter enough assholes that you’ll probably quit anyway.

How’s that for inviting?

And all of that’s before we start talking about how little the sport actually values women…at least those who don’t show the requisite amount of skin.

Golf isn’t for everyone and golf doesn’t actually want everyone. It’s your classic example of actions speaking far louder than words. I know that’s not a politically correct stance to take publicly, but isn’t owning it better than sugar-coating it?

Golf’s new mythology of inclusiveness, it’s whipped cream on bullshit. The Pebble Beach Pro-Am is exhibit A.